Struck 2.0

Something just got into me today. Are all things really possible when you believe hard enough? Perhaps... because it is all in the mind... Well, at least for things that you won't require mumbo jumbos to do.

Perhaps everything is just all in the mind. So... what are we if not for our mind? Our feelings that make who we are? The experience that shapes our very existence?

But today... My mind got attuned to something different today, or more likely accepted a fact of the norm... some things... just aren't meant to be, aren't meant to happen, aren't possible.

Maybe if we could all be a little more open to everything and try... give it a try to everything. Then again, when your hearts not ready, you just can't try... willingly. So... are things really possible when you try hard enough?

Beats me... but with the current "enlightenment"... whatever i'm thinking, feeling now... I'm just killing myself... for I just lost it. Again!

How low will it go, how dark will it get...

Sorry folks, really stopped having juicy thoughts to write about. I'm depressed.

Deep, Dark, Cold.

I know my problems aren't the end of the world. I also know that there's more to life. But how do you jump out from an emotional shithole? Out of the shitpile, into the shithole... I keep running up to dead ends.

I saw a beacon of light... a glimpse of hope... but it died before it found life...

Am really dead tired of it. My beliefs are all falling apart. Why must everyone tell me to do everything that's beyond my wantings... Everything! All I can do, is to let it all go... stop trying... stop approaching... stop everything...

So near, yet so far... Its a stalemate... What should I do? Please, tell me... no turning back, yet no steps forward...

Friend.

Friend? Are we really friends? I am not your friend. Not the way I see it... How do you rate your friends? What do you consider as a friend? Put me in the chart, rate me from your view... Do I really qualify as a friend? Being treated the way I am now? I don't think so... save your pity... save the excuse... Pray we'll all find our happiness and forget this terrible nightmare. Like it never ever existed. Another black hole in my life. Begone...

. . .

Being childish or not... How can I even sum up how i feel...
Whining doesn't help, moving on but don't seem to be budging...

I hate you...
hate that you took away whats important in my life...
hate that you decided everything for me...
hate that you shattered my life like a jigsaw...
hate that you took my heart away...
hate that you gave up...
hate that you are glad...
hate that you hate me...
hate that you broke my peace over & over...
hate the fact that "i love/miss you but i can't be with you.." ever existed...
I hate that I loved you...

"Everyone thinks that I am happy and fine... but look a little closer... you'll see tears in my eyes..."

PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE

I don't wanna be an angel no more...

Its been some time now, after many years of gathering thoughts, experience in life. I thought I had seen it all. Perhaps the world is just to wide for one to grasp in hand. Am I being naive all along? Up till recently, what I believed in... just didn't seem to be real anymore.

What do you get for being "nice"? What do you get for being there? What do you get for being... yourself?

A pat of the back? A warm greeting? A smile for the moment?

What good is having faith? When everyone else don't see the same way...

I quit... good luck. have fun.

The man who can't be moved

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw-J8kC5DHo

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don't understand,
I'm not...broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Policeman says son you can't stay here,
I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

People talk about the guy
Who's waiting on a girl...
Oohoohwoo
There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world...
Hmmmm

and maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,
And you'll come running to the corner...
Cos you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
[Repeat in background]

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move.

Break even

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her 1st
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But not wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains
Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)


Beautifully written lyrics... every little bit of it,
... however, it doesn't matter anymore... :)

Picking up the pace

So now that Hurricane Gene is over... its time to set things right!

My checklist:

1. The NEW new Honda City
2. A Husky named Spirit
3. DSLR - done!
4. PS3 (thanks to the influence of friends)
5. 32 inch LCD inside my room
6. Booming speakers to go with my TV and PS3.
7. Get a pad of my own
   
8. Quit my job and flee the country... YES!!! muahahaha

ps: yes... the last point in the wishlist contradicts everything that i want above... who cares... I can spend. so sue me.

Say it with me~ say it with pride~

FUCK IT!!!

You don't trust me?

What a good question... trust, is earned and not something given as a necessity. If you asked why someone doubted you, try tracing back the steps of why the trust was taken away. If you find it, and feel like its important to maintain that trust, the earn it all over again. Just don't try to run away from it or put the blame on elsewhere.

After all, a reputation hard to build and easily crumbled. Its all about managing expectations in the world we live in. Because we are all human, we make mistakes and we tend to dwell at the unproductive, negative side of things. When we are constantly being treated like kings, and just suddenly one day the service became a little bit slower that the usual, we complaint, indicating that the service is poor, useless, horrible! but what about the Nth time that service has been good to you? When things are "up" all the time, 1 "down" in a blue moon spoils the entire reputation. It is all about managing expectations, and it applies to every aspects of life.

Ever so frequent, we hear the phrase: We forgive but we do not forget. While it seems a little cruel, I believe that it is often misinterpreted. To forgive oneself is to save yourself... So why do you want to think of the bad? We make mistakes, we all do... Why let a rotten apple spoil the entire basket of fruit? Its easy to find fault and give up when something bad happens... but what about the happier moments? Are they really overshadowed by a few rotten examples? If there's a problem fix it, don't run away from it for it will haunt you sooner or later. The last bit mentions "we do not forget"... it doesn't mean that we should hold a grudge but rather it reminds us that we should not repeat it again of the mistakes. It really is easy to give up but happiness is hard to build... Isn't life always like this? Nothing good comes easy and sometimes you need to be persistant enough to face it all.

I remember the first day I went to church... I just felt like it... call it fate, it did touch me a little and made sense to me. The message for the day goes something like this... "do not judge other... why do you talk about the speck of dust on people's eyes when you have a plank sticking out your own.." or something like that... it means, before you talk about others, first look at yourself... don't be a hypocrite. I realized something then, I had been too judgemental on certain things and on certain people... I am sorry if that happened... and I do hope too... others will realize this as well... we are all the same... humans of flesh and blood...

Dear... couldn't put it much better than this...

Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain
Telling me just what a fool I've been
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain
And let me be alone again

The only girl I care about has gone away
Looking for a brand new start
But little does she know
That when she left that day
Along with her she took my heart

Rain please tell me now does that seem fair
For her to steal my heart away when she don't care
I can't love another when my hearts somewhere far away

The only girl I care about has gone away
Looking for a brand new start
But little does she know that when she left that day
Along with her she took my heart

[Instrumental Interlude]

Rain won't you tell her that I love her so
Please ask the sun to set her heart aglow
Rain in her heart and let the love we knew start to grow

Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain
Telling me just what a fool I've been
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain
And let me be alone again

Oh, listen to the falling rain
Pitter pater, pitter pater
Oh, oh, oh, listen to the falling rain
Pitter pater, pitter pater

Stuck in time...

Stuck... or idle?

Self-healing

Once, there was this guy, who was in love with a gal.

She wasn't the most beautiful and gorgeous but for him, she was everything.

He used to dream about her, about spending the rest of life with her. His friends told him, "why do you dream so much about her, when you don't even know if she loves you or not? First tell her your feelings, and get to know if she likes you or not".

He felt that was the right way. The girl knew from the beginning, that this guy loves her. One day when he proposed, she rejected him.

His friends thought he would take to alcohol; drugs etc. and ruin his life.

To their surprise, he was not depressed. When they asked him how was it that he is not sad, he replied, "why should I feel bad? I lost one who never loved me & she lost the one who really loved and cared for her."

Love... 2.0

I pray hard,
I am hopeful,
and always wishful...
that you will always
be a part of my life...

I'll color your world,
and protect you girl,
If only you will,
just let us both heal...

The longest sigh...

why is it so hard to trust someone whom you know and has been there for you for years? funny how we chose to trust a perfect stranger but not the one you've know before... afraid to be hurt again? who doesnt... but we are all humans... we make mistakes and we learn from it... second chances? don't you wish for a second chance too if you ever did something wrong? sigh...

Weekends...

I hate weekends... Back then, Friday would mean a whole lot to me. Looking forward to the weekends to see the person dearest. Now its just a routine, empty days...

When will this be over?

Why...

People can be very dishonest to themselves at times. Why? Because of your principles? Love can never be a rational thing... If it were, it wouldn't be love... would it?

Why is it when you want something, you wait for it to happen? Why don't we take the intiative ourselves? Why... torment yourself... and the people you love... and the people who loves you back...

A transformation

I am turning into an irritable person although I tried hard of not to. Someone told me, you know... whatever state of mind you are in now, you are just like "...". Play the reversal role now. Put myself in that shoe... and I know what I am crazing over, think of is utterly futile. Oh yes... I know them all too well...

But what? perhaps I am just being hopeful... Why must one be so pessimistic? Or am I just cheating myself? Just look at how it is now... Detestable... I am being stubborn but its something I chose. Why do you wanna give up on something that you finally realized is something you wanted all along? Perhaps it bears no fruit by the end of the day, bt perhaps it will. Nobody know... aren't we all being hopeful?

Sometimes, its not about being better off. Its not about better opportunity or finding someone better. Its all about fate. Love is the strangest thing which people just can't explain. We do silly things... though it might be difficult but its the outcome and matters.

Yes, it definitely takes two to work... but look at it this way... it has to start somewhere? Someone has to make the move else there will be nowhere... Timing too is a factor... sometimes when the time isn't right, you just can't budge it. Just when the time is right, puzzle pieces will fall into place.

Opps... So am I contradicting myself now? Yes... I am again... Patience is the key... but I am impatient... Time will tell it all... perhaps I will change in time too, learn to let go and find happiness elsewhere... but I am sure as of what I want now after all that's happened. I take my stand. Just hope that I am emotionally strong enough to live through it.

I really wonder how you did it... its tough... I realize...

I loved you too late...

It always begins with 2 person knowing each other; of course! else where won't be a story to tell... All my life, I've yearned the TLC of a partner and it is my own dream to be able to care & love a person with my all.

Usually it all starts with a spark, love at first sight or whatever you call it.. but it usually doesn't work at all for me. Why? probably because you lose your common sense the moment you fall straight for a person. I've seen and been through a lot of heartaches because of this. Still it was good experience and it taught me a thing or two.

I've been through a few long term relationships but I would dare say that I couldn't be more happier on my last encounter. Why and what makes it so special? She's the person whom I spent some time with, slowly fell for her, gave my all to her courtship and she nodded to me when I told her of how I felt. If this was a movie, it was already a happily ever after.

I was at cloud 9, couldn't believe the answer I got (of course I was damn happy), butterflies and everything. I secretly told God, (thank you thank you thank you thank you... she's all I could ever dream of). Life has never been that great up till that point. Someone whom actually I loved really did love me in return!

I was shy at first... probably still can't believe that I've got such a lovely girl by my side. I still could recall the very first day I held her hands. I tried to reach out my hand, then pulled it back and again... well... it took me long enough to do so and when we held hands... I just blushed... That feeling was great.

She cared a lot for me and I'd love very much to pamper her. Her gestures, her concerns... it was all so sweet. We had a lot of plans going on... this little thing, that little thing... and it was sweet. Life was just never boring and what was once gloomy I soon had forgotten.

From a low self-esteemed person, I couldn't be much prouder. I was very proud of my partner and still very much at cloud 9. It was all ideal, we never had any arguements or that was what I told her. "let's not be like other couples that argue, we should talk things out if there's anything wrong". Maybe... that was just too ideal. Still it was very much like a perfect dream, my perfect partner on our very first anniversary.

As years passed, we slowly fell into the old couple category... we argued a little and life just got routine. Perhaps it was just too comfortable that we took it for granted....

And here, is truly where my story begins...

Never should you doubt the one you love and care... You'd live to regret it, and now I know... it hurts a lot and what can you do except for accepting this fact already? Never doubt your own feelings as well... I was stupid... silly... lost somewhere in between with questions like if i still loved her that much, or even if its what I really want.

People, you will all never know until the ultimate punishment chases after you. You will only know how much you value it until its gone... Sad but true... and probably humans are just being themselves, afraid of being hurt, afraid of being let down...

Trust is really hard to gain... once lost... you might not be so lucky to earn a second chance. While some are lucky enough some are not. Why? I always asked myself... to err is to human...

I take blame for part of what's happened... I admit and won't run... Its really tough when you try to struggle against the odds... against the tide. Once you realized something but only to find it too late, it kills... so what now?

Like a broken player, the memories rewinds itself over and over... sweet yet sad. I've learnt my lesson... yes i do... only if i could... i tell myself... only if...

all I can say is... I loved you too late...

My love will get you home...

Dear...



If you wander off too far, my love will get you home.
If you follow the wrong star, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

If the bright lights blinds your eyes, my love will get you home.
If your troubles break your stride, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

If you ever feel ashamed, my love will get you home.
When there's only you to blame, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home,
Boy, my love will get you home.