Dear Diary...

Dear Diary,

If life is about hopping past obstacles, then these days truly have been those difficult ones. Be it work, home or life personally I believe that its finally at those important crossroads that determine my life in the next few years.

Wished I could be someone who tells everyone that I love my work. Work... is work... and it really is envious for those who found their pleasure at work. But because life is not just about enjoying, there are moments of reality that one needs to face. Well, probably I wasn't brave enough to embrace the difficulties that I was about to endure if I really did go into my field of interest. Scrawny pay, long working hours, and so on... The first thing that crossed my mind was, how the heck am I gonna afford to raise a family in that condition?

I am, in some sort of way satisfied with my job now. Although not what I intended to do, it is still something that I chose considering the options to get a decent pay and make a living with a family in mind. I am trying to be as independent as much possible from my parents although the fact that I am parasiting at home ... still... :P Yeah... back to the job... its really gotten a whole lot steeper and not one can I can remember of not being forgetful and yelled at in office. Something is just missing from my life. I know I could push further but somehow I am feeling the missing puzzle somewhere... Similar to the feeling of being home, I feel incompetent at work. Really wished that I won't have to depend on ppl too much. Rather, I'd like to be someone helpful at work for a change...

Being at home... well, I guess my family has gotten used to my silence and isolation in the room. They used to make a whole bunch of noises and complaints about my routine at home. Its not that I've change or anything like that... I haven't been living with my parents for roughly 6 years now. Although I enjoy staying home relaxing, I ain't exactly a home person. I remember back to as young as 13, I enjoyed staying away from my parents. Homesick only meant sick of home rather than missing it. When will I be able to roam free again? The feeling of being home in your own home is really comforting. I also get this feeling of staying at home... "the more i stay home, the more arguments will come up at home". We will always be kids to our parents so nothing we say will ever go in properly to their ears... and this really is pissing off at times. Adjusting to home is just... another weird task...

I'm feeling really f*cked up recently... Whatever that I stood or believed in actually is heading for a U-turn. Was I being too idealistic? Or is it just plain naive of my thoughts? Probably there was something which I should have done in a long time, but I just couldn't. Someone told me... "Its just so like you"... I was speechless for a moment... but I'd really prefer to be hopeful. My advice? If you wanna live your life, be someone that really live with your "brains" or your "heart". What happens when your brain and heart try to work on the same problem? You get a messed up monkey like me.

I've had sleepless nights for the past few days. I had nightmares and ended up waking at 2 -3 in the morning, gasping or palpitating from those dreams. My first string of nightmare began as a result of worry & guilt towards a friend of mine. Just when I can't help feeling restless and lost with those feelings, it had to continue in my dreams. I think I've let her down in some way. Hurting her is the last thing that I would ever wanna do but in some twist of fate, I think I've just done that. If there was anything to make things right again, I'd certainly do it.

The following night was also torturous! Just when I thought I could sleep peacefully, I had to dream of work! Isn't working 8 hours a day enough already? Guess it shows how stressful work can be and hazardous to one's mind. Same thing again, I woke up in the middle of the night sweating in a room with a temperature of 24 Celcius.

People often say good luck/bad luck comes in three... so I hit the jackpot again last night. There was just too much bugging my mind before I went to bed. "what to do?" "should I?" "Is this right?" and kerpowwww! Nightmare 3! This time, in my dreams, I lost someone dear... I was really relieved when I woke up from bed, know that it was just only a dream.

Restless pretty much sums up the feeling...

I'm confused...

What am I holding on to?

Goodbye...

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have much more
I can feel your heart and I simpathize
And I'll never criticize
All you've ever meant to my life


I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong


You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye


You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure i'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me


I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong


You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye


You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say goodbye