Dear Diary...

I'm not sure exactly when it started but I do remember that I was chasing/liking girls since primary school. I always find girls very fascinating and I liked the feeling of having a close friend and someone to console me when I am sad. Though it might sound corny, I'm sure most of you can relate to this. Heck my classmates were already acknowledging their couples even wat... we were only 11 - 12 maybe?

Probably I was seeking love elsewhere because I never had that family touch and love. Its not that my family don't love me, they do but they stopped hugging, peck me at the cheek nor held my hands since kindergarten. I don't remember the last time hugged or held my mom's hands. We won't touch our siblings as well. The moment our shoulders rub, we would already start fighting. Don't underestimate the power of hugs & simple body gestures.

My first crush was during primary 6 when I got to know this pen-pal from Penang. HAhahah.. come to think of it, it really is funny and sure brings back some memories. Since I grew up in a kampung like environment, I was pretty shy with girls and well... still not the ladies men till now =.=". Back on those days, snail mail was the IN thing. We would compete to get as much of pen-pals as we can. There was also an international pen-pal society which my sister joined. That was really effective if you asked me. People were really sincere and it was fun anticipating mails from the postmen. Internet? what the heck is that? Lots of butterfly nets stacked up together?

Oh where was I? Yeah.. my first crush... Her name was... Mavis... something something. Can't recall her Chinese name. Guess I scared her off when I told her I liked her. That was the last mail I sent and received after that from her hahaha. If she was reading this, I would like to tell her I'm sorry that I freaked her out :P Was still a kid back then and didn't know what I was doing. Well, that was a dumbass move no matter how many times I think about it. I'd really laugh to myself now when I hear that kids in school start confessing to girls even when the results are obvious. Kinda remind me of myself.

Well, I guess we learn along the way. Kids at skool, if you ever bump into this post, its alright to date in school. Its part of growing up but please, keep your little elephant in your pants. Here are something I wanna share with you little guys out there:

1. Mailing a person less than 10 times won't win you the girl.
2. Not seeing the person at all won't win you the girl.
3. Knowing the girls name and where she lives only won't either.
4. Confessing to a girl when you have always been practically invisible under her radar is even stupid.
5. Confessing when she already tear up your valentines' card or dump your gifts is... I'm speechless.
   
6. Pretending to be macho is useless. Be yourself! If she likes macho and you're not, means forget it. Don't waste your time. You'll forget about her soon.
7. Act like a wuss and forget any hopes you hear me?

Wait.. I think my first crush was even way back than primary 6... I think it might be Primary 4 or 5. I liked one of my classmate and she was also my next door neighbour. I'd always go over to her house in the evening to hang out together. Probably that wasn't really love but childhood friendship where you practically want to be best buddies. I believe she is married now; probably with kids too.

As I headed into Secondary school, things are even more interesting. Hormones raging and also the peer pressure of best friends getting coupled! Damn... I wanna erase those memories away hahaha. Secondary was cool but also the gloomiest moments of my life. I had low self-esteem and hated the way I looked back then and it wasn't really helping at the dating department. Looking back at those years, I realize my mistakes of hating myself. Don't, you'll suffer. Learn to love yourself and bring out your personalities and it will shine. Who do you think would love you if you hate yourself?

Altogether, I had several/plenty/uncountable failed attempts at chasing girls during high school. At a point, I was telling myself that I would be a monk when I grow up. The rejections hurt big time, it hurts but it certainly taught me a thing or two. No teacher is better than experience itself. I'd always joke with my friends. Come to me not for advice for courting girls but come to me when you have been turned down. I can ease your pain. After several rejections, you'll learn of what to do and what not. No point in telling people what to do because they won't see how it relates to them. And yes... people just don't listen especially when it comes to this. The biggest advice that you hear is "don't go dating while you're still studying". Seriously, that is really good advice if you ask me now but hey we just don't listen. We only come to sense when time & years pass. STILL, it was good experience to date in school. Better learn when you are young rather than cheated(I am not refering to that... you know what I mean) for the first time when you are 30. Lagi mau bunuh diri.

I got my first girlfriend in Secondary 5 and I broke up 6 months later on my b'day. Not a nice gift but I somewhat chose that day to sort it out with my girlfriend then. We met over the internet and erm.... yes... those were the days where you thought everything is possible. Back then I could chat about almost anything and had a great community over the internet. Where have all the chatting juices gone now? beats me... Funny thing is we met only once and dated over the phone after that... so its not much a relationship when you think about it. Oh... before that I had a gf for a week somewhere during Secondary 3... and again.. probably I can't call her my gf...

Days in college was cool. I met a whole new group of friends(some brothers-in-arm too), fell in love and had a fair share of heartaches along the way too. Think it was the Nth time that I faced rejection which already made me immune to it. Still I had that thought of being a monk soon... =.=". On my last term in college, I met this amazing girl. She was kind to me and we somehow clicked well. We enjoyed each others company a lot. She'd drop by and ask about me when I'm sick and well, basically those little gestures was very sweet. Even though she was already seeing someone, it didn't matter to me cuz I know he's been hurting her. It kills me when I see her cry for him everyday in college. Somehow our friendship/relationship ended up sour when I left college. Don't really know what happened but I guess what's gone is gone. We're in ok terms now but just not that close anymore.

We went to separate Uni later on and life went on without her. I missed her so much, for a year at least since parting with her. Days were gloomy and I just lost interest in everything. The chatty and outgoing me just died back then. I loathed and complained about Uni and hated myself for whatever was happening. Still, things turned out not too bad. I didn't find love but I did find friendship and friends that I appreciate even till now. Some friends that I cared so much that I confuse myself sometimes. All in all, I was contented with what I had then. I was still moaning about the previous encounter that I told myself not to get involved. Still you can't beat the hormones and well, I did resisted temptation for at least 9 months or so.

And soon... Ah, let's just skip this part...

Present time comes and I guess I found someone whom I can appreciate. Although we tried not to argue like other couples but i think that statement might be slightly a bit over-powered. There's bound to be happy and sad times together and we strive through it together. Its what relationship is all about... right? I was the happiest guy alive when we started off. Things were butterfly'ish and I felt top of the world. As years pass, it just tones down a little but I understood that this was a normal thing. Or izzit? We're still together and I'm glad to have known her. She brought hopes and laughters to my sadistic life; though sometimes we have our ugly moments

After all the happy and sad moments of life in relationships, I'm doubting... what actually is love that I've been looking for? Is it the acknowledgement you get after your countless hardships? Probably its like sex where you actually get the 1 - 2 secs of climax but your exercise before that is freaking long. What do we actually look for in relationships? I know I want happiness, I want to be with my loved one but how do you tell if you've found true love? or is there even such thing...